Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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