I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
