Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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