Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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