I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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