with your own penis?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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