did you get engaged???
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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