I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
