i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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