i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
