she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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