Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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