I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
