Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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