so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Drake has all the answers
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
