im six kinds of drunk right now
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
