i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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