I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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