yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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