The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
