ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
