the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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