i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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