If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
