The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
