dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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