you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
