dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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