Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
