she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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