I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
