but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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