to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
