Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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