There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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