if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
