I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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