my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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