The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
