I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
