i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
