He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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