You smell like stripper and shame
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize