why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
