My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
