Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
