He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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