Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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