I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
