Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
