I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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