My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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