you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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