Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
