she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
