Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
