i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I only lived at night.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
